Everyday I live a little and die some more....u ask me why and I say "Life's a whore." It asks u to live to the fullest, so you do, take it all..you want everything and try to have everything, cos you have to have it all to get the most out of it....and then when you think you have it all.... the euphoria is gone and you realize what you have is nothing..u are as penurious as you were the day you came into this world with only your pink wrinkly skin on your back and a high pitched shriek .. an indignant and angry shriek at having had to leave the comfort and security of your mothers womb.....

I laugh and live a little more every time my son (all of 21 months) says in his sweet lil voice "mammam I love you" ... and yet again I die for the thousandth time... cos everytime I feel happy and blessed, I also feel cheated..cheated of not having been able to share this with the person I loved the most.... the one who needed this the most..to recover from the cruel fate of his life.. why I ask again and again as I have done everyday since that horrific day...why should he and I be always denied of happiness that we deserve....we have struggled enough, endured more than one should have to in a lifetime....then why can't we have these little joys of life....

I look at my beautiful house..a house which came after a lot of pain, loads of efforts and sacrifices.. and feel immense pride....feel a sense of achievement..and just when the beginnings of a contented smile appear...a feeling of deep loss creeps over me....I show it off to all I know, invite all and sundry ..simply so we can hear their words of praise and admiration.. and yet I know its all fake.. that one person who would have loved it the most.... the one who made it possible is not here to enjoy it..oh! so much he would loved sitting here on the rocking chair enjoying the sweet gentle breeze which is always there, looking at the beautiful fields across..while he nursed his drink ..and then suddenly he would spot something wrong....something I left unclean or some object which doesn't belong there.. and then shout and lecture me on how messy I was, how completely ignorant....and chided me on a thousand other things....starting of course with how much we spend and how much we waste......... I'll give anything and everything to be scolded again like that....

I try hard to conceal the smug look on my face or be indifferent when numerous visitors, family and friends come visit our lovely office and are overawed with all the splendor, the facilities (things they could never dream of in an office{neither could I b4 I joined}).....and then suddenly I don't have to try much.. its gone and replace by remorse and regret......why did I ever not think of bringing him here and see first hand the how well I did.. how well HIS efforts, his labor, his sacrifices paid off....to have his cherished one being a part of such a wonderful and established organization......it would have given him a satisfaction beyond imagination... now i ll never feel the immeasurable pride that my colleagues feel whne thy get their people here....I may grow and beyond this and be somewhere even better, earn myself and my family many more creature comforts...but in my heart I would have done nothing......cos I can't share it with him.......

They say time heals all.....I say it reminds me more and more each day, in every thing I do...how much I miss you and how much I need you...