Everyday I live a little and die some more....u ask me why and I say "Life's a whore." It asks u to live to the fullest, so you do, take it all..you want everything and try to have everything, cos you have to have it all to get the most out of it....and then when you think you have it all.... the euphoria is gone and you realize what you have is nothing..u are as penurious as you were the day you came into this world with only your pink wrinkly skin on your back and a high pitched shriek .. an indignant and angry shriek at having had to leave the comfort and security of your mothers womb.....

I laugh and live a little more every time my son (all of 21 months) says in his sweet lil voice "mammam I love you" ... and yet again I die for the thousandth time... cos everytime I feel happy and blessed, I also feel cheated..cheated of not having been able to share this with the person I loved the most.... the one who needed this the most..to recover from the cruel fate of his life.. why I ask again and again as I have done everyday since that horrific day...why should he and I be always denied of happiness that we deserve....we have struggled enough, endured more than one should have to in a lifetime....then why can't we have these little joys of life....

I look at my beautiful house..a house which came after a lot of pain, loads of efforts and sacrifices.. and feel immense pride....feel a sense of achievement..and just when the beginnings of a contented smile appear...a feeling of deep loss creeps over me....I show it off to all I know, invite all and sundry ..simply so we can hear their words of praise and admiration.. and yet I know its all fake.. that one person who would have loved it the most.... the one who made it possible is not here to enjoy it..oh! so much he would loved sitting here on the rocking chair enjoying the sweet gentle breeze which is always there, looking at the beautiful fields across..while he nursed his drink ..and then suddenly he would spot something wrong....something I left unclean or some object which doesn't belong there.. and then shout and lecture me on how messy I was, how completely ignorant....and chided me on a thousand other things....starting of course with how much we spend and how much we waste......... I'll give anything and everything to be scolded again like that....

I try hard to conceal the smug look on my face or be indifferent when numerous visitors, family and friends come visit our lovely office and are overawed with all the splendor, the facilities (things they could never dream of in an office{neither could I b4 I joined}).....and then suddenly I don't have to try much.. its gone and replace by remorse and regret......why did I ever not think of bringing him here and see first hand the how well I did.. how well HIS efforts, his labor, his sacrifices paid off....to have his cherished one being a part of such a wonderful and established organization......it would have given him a satisfaction beyond imagination... now i ll never feel the immeasurable pride that my colleagues feel whne thy get their people here....I may grow and beyond this and be somewhere even better, earn myself and my family many more creature comforts...but in my heart I would have done nothing......cos I can't share it with him.......

They say time heals all.....I say it reminds me more and more each day, in every thing I do...how much I miss you and how much I need you...

Help Hungry Indian Children. Visit http://www.bhookh.com/

For all of you who wish to make a difference.. give back something to the society, to your community, your country, your people...help out in some way, but are not able to to find time, here's an easy way . Visit http://www.bhookh.com/.

There are thousands of children who die everyday of the most common disease...."HUNGER"..Its a shame in todays world. Wake up my friends...do something, anything. You can't make an excuse anymore. Its simple..just visit the website and click on the tab in Green which says "Give Free Food". A cup of Food is provided to a chronically hungry child at absolutely no cost to you.
****Please note: do not click on it more than once a day..it doesn not generate an extra cup of food. Only once a day you can do it****

It would be great if you could also find sponsors for this program. It is run by a non-profit organization. Do your bit...just one click.....can make a huge difference to someone

The way from my home to office(an hrs drive), is an interesting one and somehow makes me nostalgic.

On the way there's a tree with a kind of a citrus fruit, i dunno wat it is called in English. The fruit is a like huge unripe lemon as big as a small melon; the insides are red in color, not the blood red, but kind of a faded red and it tastes sweet and sour. You eat it with a lil salt and sugar and red chilli powder. And, there are other trees too, mango, guava etc...these remind me of lazy summer afternoons, of pickled tamarinds and raw mangoes, of fishing by smalls pond and catching crabs instead of fish.

..of the 1 -5 rupee wala cheap icecreams, of "Buddhi ke baal" or "old man's beard"(sugar candy), all of which used to be sold on the roads on thelas with bells jingling on the wheels...to alert of all and sundry like us, who had nothin to do except run after the thelawallas, with money taken from uncles/aunts/granny while our mothers slept in peace. Can I have a summer vacation again?...Koi lauta de mere beete hue din...............

Have u ever felt ur mind go completely blank, be absolutely clueless about your thoughts...not knowing wat to say, wat to write and wat to feel.
Is this supposed to be peace or is the calm before the storm..